Arsenal respond to West Ham Defeat

Arsenal Football Club issued the following official statement today in response to Sunday’s game.

"Arsenal Football Club would like to clear up any misunderstanding relating to the unfortunate incident that occurred between the respected managers of West Ham United Football Club and Arsenal FC on Sunday the 5th November.

Arsene Wenger’s annoyance at Alan Pardew’s celebration of his team’s goal, his subsequent pushing of Alan Pardew, his later refusal to shake Pardew’s pro-offered hand at the end of the match and his lack of apology after the game must be understood in the context of the long history of Arsenal Football Club.

Since the appointment in 1983 of Don Howe as manager, Arsenal Football Club have striven hard to eradicate the goal from English football. Throughout the latter part of the last century Arsenal worked hard on establishing the tactic of what became known as ‘Total Non-Football’. It was a tactic that involved boring opposing teams and fans into submission and destroying any semblance of joy that might be taken from the game. It was a tactic that was taken up by Howe’s successor George Graham and one that the football club have been trying hard to re-establish this season.

In recent games the club has managed to recreate some of the mind knumbingly tedium of those famous 0-0 draws and have been able to reflect proudly as some of its now leading players, like Thiery Henry, have realised that scoring goals is not a part of the Arsenal tradition.

You can then imagine the frustration of Arsene Wenger when Marlene Harewood actually scored a goal on Sunday and his ensuing disgust when the West Ham manager, players and fans, saw this as a reason of celebration. It is in this context then that you must view Wenger’s reactions as not being those of a miserable, sour faced twat but as the justified response of a frustrated manager."


Arsene Wenger also issued the following statement today,


"I was disgusted at the treatment we received at West Ham. Our players are used to playing in a quiet, respectful atmosphere (Al Qaeda Stadium) in which we can discuss tactics, compare our nice gloves, and scream loudly to let the referee know we've been tackled and need a free kick.

The atmosphere at Upton Park was little short of hostile. The opposing fans sang, shouted and cheered in a manner we are not used to. Almost all of them stayed for the whole game, too. This was strange to us; it doesn't happen back at the Al Qaeda Stadium.

In addition, our bag man left the team's glove bag back at Gonforaburton Grove, meaning that many of our players were playing with cold hands."

Ok – the last one might not be true, but it was reported as fact by Headless on the West Ham Mad board.